Spring Fever

Everything is just exahusting right now. My 22 students who talk nonstop. Graduate school. Grading papers. Cleaning. Cooking. Perhaps if I vent and get it out there, I'll miraculously feel better. Stress is kicking my ass. I don't manage it well, either. I don't sleep, and then I get sick. Then I feel even worse than I did when I was just stressed. Take right now for example: I'm going on very little sleep, haven't eaten, can barely swallow because my glands are so swollen, and I'm pretty sure I have some weird infection in my gums from the latest dentist trauma. So I'll most likely end up at the doctor this week, begging him for steroid shots so I won't spend next week sick, too. It's an endless cycle. I'm clearly not doing something right. The solution? SPRING BREAK! I am so fortunate to have a fabulous trip with my mom coming up. I don't know if I've ever needed an escape so badly. As I've been doing one assignment after another for graduate school, I am forcing myself to think about what I'm going to pack. I know that this week ahead is going to be brutal. Why Open House is on the Thursday before Spring Break is beyond me. But all the school stuff aside, I'm going to be on the beach in less than a week....almost 15 pounds lighter than I was on January 1!!!

Life is good. God is good.

Single Gal Breaking Out...

Ahhh the love life of a single girl....some days I am so happy and content being single. I can come home to silence. I can do what I want, when I want. I can be super messy and vow to clean tomorrow. I can leave dishes in the sink and my shoes by the door. You get the picture. Other days I think it'd be nice to have someone at home waiting for me to get home. It'd be lovely to have someone light the fire, because even though it's idiot-proof I still think I'm gonna blow up. Either way, the grass is always greener on the other side, right? And I'm weird about relationships; they tend to bring out the worst in me. Nonetheless, I'm finally putting my fabulous single self back out there--starting this week!!! I have my first REAL first date this week, and as exciting as that is, it's very, very scary. Guys aren't ranked very highly on my list these days. They're generally pretty awful. They lie and cheat. But I'm putting faith in the man upstairs that perhaps I just haven't found the right one. SOOOOO here's to taking that very terrifying first step towards finding a man that's not so awful and grotestque!! Wish me luck friends...

Hallelujah

Are there songs out there that are like magic to you? "Ave Maria" and Jeff Buckley's "Hallelujah" are two of my all time favorites. They have been just a few of the songs playing in the background tonight. This has been a night of deep and profound reflection. I'm writing a paper for grad school, and it's turned out to be this amazing gift. My paper tells the story of my journey into Darkness. It details the why, the how, the when, and all the things everyone else saw but me. And the ending...I'm getting to that part where I come out of the Darkness and find that I'm this strong, resilient woman who didn't break after all.

Here are some of the lyrics from Jeff Buckley's masterpiece:

baby I've been here before
I've seen this room and I've walked this floor
I used to live alone before I knew you
I've seen your flag on the marble arch
but love is not a victory march
it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

well maybe there's a God above
but all I've ever learned from love
was how to shoot somebody who outdrew ya
it's not a cry that you hear at night
it's not somebody who's seen the light
it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

Renewed Spirit

I am changing. I feel so different than I did just a month ago: physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I'm finally getting comfortable in my own skin; sad in a way because I'm 28, but then I wonder if some people ever feel comfortable in their skin....

2009 kicked my ass all over the place. The boyfriend drama. The breakup. The getting back together because it's scary to be alone. The final breakup. The demise of a friendship I thought would last a lifetime. The loss of my beloved Papa. The realization that I had no idea who I was. I didn't know what made me happy anymore, because nothing did. The downward spiral of self loathing and misery. The sadness. The stillness. The inability to move at all. And the thing is that I didn't even realize how sad I was until very recently. So once again, I examine this friendship that ended (much to the frustration of those around me) and I wonder: is this person I see in the rearview mirror, the one who is so miserable and sad, to blame? Is it really that much to ask of a friend to stick it out while you deal with the darkness? I get mad at myself for obsessing over this issue, because it's in the past and I don't want to harp on it...sooooo I shed my last tear at my mom's several weeks ago, got the pep talk, and realized that I cannot live my life with regret. Instead, I move along....

I feel happy for the first time in so long. Maybe ever. I feel happiness deep within my soul; the kind that has nothing to do with the things I have in my life. I made it through 2009. I survived the loss, grief, sadness, anger, confusion, frustration, and hurt. But not only did I simply survive, I came out stronger, wiser, and truly better. I am a better daughter, sister, friend, teacher, and person. I laugh and I love every single day of my life. I love with every fiber of my being because in the big picture, this is the only thing in life that makes any sense at all. I'm growing. Changing. Healing. To steal a line from Grey's Anatomy, I'm "bright and shiny" now.

"Easiest Job Ever"

I met a good friend for lunch today who is a small business owner (well, he actually co-owns several small businesses, including one not-so-small real estate company). I sat sipping my vanilla latte as I listened to him vent about business ownership: no set hours, self-insured, quarterly taxes, payroll, bills, working weekends, and mile long to-do lists. He must have ranted for a good 15 minutes, but let's face it, he's usually the one listening to me. I didn't mind--I had the day off and was feeling quite positive and relaxed when he drops the bomb that I have "the easiest job ever." I choke, literally, and sit looking at him, my eyes pleading for him to take it back. But no, instead of realizing how offensive and totally wrong this statement is, he goes on to explain that having weekends, holidays, and summers off "must be nice." When I find the words, I ask him about dealing with the actual children, and he casually assures me he'd "have the kids behaving." Now he begins to seriously contemplate throwing away all these businesses to work a $40-$50k job because life must be so bright and shiny. Hmmm.....

The Lessons in Loss

My grandfather passed away in September. I was fortunate enough to be by his side that last week, though at the time I didn't see this as a blessing at all. I couldn't get those images of his last few days out of my head. I wondered if this would haunt me for years to come; how long would I have to sleep with a light on in fear that I'd see him standing in my room? I knew that his time here with us was limited, and I had accepted that because Nana was eager for his arrival in Heaven. Knowing they were reuniting made his death bittersweet. There are some days when the absence of Nana and Papa takes my breath away, times when my students speak of or write about their grandparents, and I am completely overwhelmed with grief and longing. On those days, I come home to Papa's leather recliner sitting in my living room, and I sit in it and feel as if I'm embraced in his warmth and love. I have such fond memories of he and Nana and can't believe this world has gone on without their physical presence on Earth. Today a coworker of mine lost her mother who lived in the same retirement home as Papa. We often saw one another there and would laugh and roll our eyes as we looked around at the patients and our loved ones. The memory care unit....oh the laughs! But now that her mother is gone, it is painful to even look her in the eye, for there are no words that surface. No jokes. No laughter. Only their absence. My best friend lost her grandmother in an unexpected and fatal car accident last week. She is experiencing the pain and grief of losing a loved one for the very first time, and I want so badly to put her in a bubble and save her from that. We experience these things for a reason. There are lessons to be learned in each of our cicumstances. Death. Grief. Loss. These are painful life lessons that make us stronger and more capable of loving completely. I miss Nana and Papa all the time. Every. Single. Day. Yet somehow, in some miraculous way, life goes on......and no matter how much it will hurt when I lose another, I love and I love and I love because there isn't any other way to live.

Out From Under

Have you ever woken up and felt as if the fog which has been your stillness has suddenly been lifted? I haven't been depressed or grief stricken so to speak, but I've been still for longer than I'd like to admit. Paralyzed with the fear of starting over. The other day I woke up and felt like an entirely different person, and I see now that I'm ready to make that agonizing first step of "moving on." I don't know if it's the optimism of a new year beginning, the determination to not let my students get the best of me, or the awareness that I'm far more blessed than cursed...but I feel energized and happy for the first time in a really long time. Today I had a GREAT teaching day....one of those where you're so proud of yourself for being an educator. I left school thinking about the profound role I play in my students' lives and how easily teachers waste that opportunity. I also thought about the conversation I had with a parent who is divorcing her husband and has yet to tell her child, and I was moved by the enormity of my role in this child's life from now on. It made me think about how much I love my job and working with these young children, which sadly, I haven't felt in a long time. You see, teachers get the life sucked out of us. Behavior, neediness, paperwork, lack of parenting, emails, phone calls, and endless meetings have made me second guess my ability to teach with that same fire and passion I initially had. But somewhere between graph interpretation and types of clouds I found that fire and realized that my students are truly the great love of my life. And for now, in this moment, that's just fine by me.....