Renewed Spirit

I am changing. I feel so different than I did just a month ago: physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I'm finally getting comfortable in my own skin; sad in a way because I'm 28, but then I wonder if some people ever feel comfortable in their skin....

2009 kicked my ass all over the place. The boyfriend drama. The breakup. The getting back together because it's scary to be alone. The final breakup. The demise of a friendship I thought would last a lifetime. The loss of my beloved Papa. The realization that I had no idea who I was. I didn't know what made me happy anymore, because nothing did. The downward spiral of self loathing and misery. The sadness. The stillness. The inability to move at all. And the thing is that I didn't even realize how sad I was until very recently. So once again, I examine this friendship that ended (much to the frustration of those around me) and I wonder: is this person I see in the rearview mirror, the one who is so miserable and sad, to blame? Is it really that much to ask of a friend to stick it out while you deal with the darkness? I get mad at myself for obsessing over this issue, because it's in the past and I don't want to harp on it...sooooo I shed my last tear at my mom's several weeks ago, got the pep talk, and realized that I cannot live my life with regret. Instead, I move along....

I feel happy for the first time in so long. Maybe ever. I feel happiness deep within my soul; the kind that has nothing to do with the things I have in my life. I made it through 2009. I survived the loss, grief, sadness, anger, confusion, frustration, and hurt. But not only did I simply survive, I came out stronger, wiser, and truly better. I am a better daughter, sister, friend, teacher, and person. I laugh and I love every single day of my life. I love with every fiber of my being because in the big picture, this is the only thing in life that makes any sense at all. I'm growing. Changing. Healing. To steal a line from Grey's Anatomy, I'm "bright and shiny" now.